Menses munchies: Cinnamon buns are tasty, tasty lifesavers

By Giselle Wedemire

Update: It's recently come to my attention that due to a change in either the recipe or labelling of Safeway cinnamon buns, these are no longer vegan-friendly. This post has been updated to reflect the change in Safeway's cinnamon buns' vegan-friendliness, but has left the rest of the content untouched.

Welcome back to Menses Munchies, a feature just for us girls where I regularly spotlight sweet, calorific vegan treats that I've found help me chase away my menstrual camps and make me feel less like an ogre that's set on destroying the nearest village.

Some ideas are so great that they elicit extremely visceral reactions from others. I mean, I'm 99% sure that when people first heard about amazing ideas like sliced bread, or iPods, or sanitization, a lot of emotions were felt. I'm sure of this because that's exactly how I react whenever someone suggests I buy a cinnamon bun.

You see, I have a very hard-and-fast rule for myself: never make anything that requires yeast. Between the rolling, the kneading, the proving (and the second proving), I have zero patience for making yeasted baked goods because I value my time more than I value freshly baked bread. So when it comes to foods that require yeast and/or kneading, I am 100% on board with forking over cash for something pre-made.

While I like to think that I’m a pretty healthy person, during my own personal shark week I find that I need to have immense amounts of sugar and fat mainlined into my maw. And during such terrible times, I often turn to the most majestic accidentally vegan* convenience food ever: the Safeway cinnamon bun.

This dessert has it all: cinnamon, gooey and vegan-friendly caramel, pecans, soft dough that’s hella on point, and enough sugar to send you into a diabetic coma. In short, it’s perfection. And best of all, it’s helluva cheap!

If you manage to score a package of 2 un-iced cinnamon buns, it comes up to $2.49. And if you choose to go with the bakery counter singles (the kind in the pull-out drawer), it comes to a total of $1.49 each, which is super dope when you consider how labour-intensive cinnamon buns are.

For some reason – which is probably quite beneficial to my waistline – I almost always forget that Safeway cinnamon buns are a viable option for when I’m feeling the ill effects of shark week. This usually leads to a conversation between me and Mr. Picky Bitch that goes something like this (and is very clearly full of visceral reactions to his repeatedly great ideas regarding cinnamon buns):

Mr. PB: "How are you feeling today?"

Me: "Poopy. I feel like I'm literally dying and I want to punch people and then cry under a blanket"

Mr. PB: "That sucks…do you want me to get you some cinnamon buns?"

And then at this point, I usually react in one of two ways:

Like this

Or like this

And then he gets me some cinnamon buns and we watch The Great British Bake Off and I start to feel more like a human again. It’s magic, I tell you!

And for a bonus great idea, you can pimp your ride cinnamon bun by topping it off with some vegan cream cheese icing! If you're about that pre-made life, you can cop some Betty Crocker cream cheese icing, which is accidentally vegan.

Or, if you'd rather go the DIY route, there's always homemade vegan cream cheese icing. All you need to do is whisk ¼ of a tub of vegan cream cheese (I like the plain one from Daiya) with a fork until it’s soft; then whisk in 2-3 tbsp. of icing sugar and a splash of dairy-free milk until smooth. 

Either way you choose to source your cream cheese icing, you'll end up with some mega delicious stuff. Then, I suggest you spread it generously over your cinnamon bun(s), place a heating pad on your abdomen, and then settle into your couch for a marathon of intricate British baking. 

What gross (yet very tasty and calorific) junk foods do you crave when you're hella PMSing? Do you freak out at the very mention of Safeway cinnamon buns? Let me know by tweeting me at @PickyBitchez.


*To the best of my knowledge, and based on my countless re-reading of the label, these treats are vegan. Your mileage may vary, but the cinnamon buns available at my local Safeway have always listed nothing but animal-free ingredients.